How To Rescue Your Relationship: Exclusive Interview with Relationship Expert Shan Merchant
Shan Merchant is an expert at working with high-achieving couples on the brink of divorce. As a Certified Imago Couples Therapist and Dating Coach, Shan’s mission transcends geographical boundaries as she coaches clients worldwide to profoundly elevate their relationships using the transformative Imago method. She offers them a lifeline to reconnect and rediscover love through one simple yet powerful communication method.
Shan’s passion for conscious relationship practices stems from her own personal experience of navigating the tumultuous waters of a ten-year relationship that nearly capsized under the weight of life’s challenges.
Shan’s unique approach lies in her three-month program, “From Power Struggle to Peace”, which offers a structured and results-oriented pathway for couples to navigate through the Power Struggle stage to find lasting understanding, harmony, and renewed joy.
Unlike conventional therapy, Shan’s program provides a clear roadmap and finite timeline, empowering couples to commit fully to the process of healing and growth.
Today, we sit down with Shan to learn more about her career and how she helps couples rediscover why they fell in love with each other in the first place, and enthusiastically put back on their wedding rings.
Q. How did you become passionate about helping high-achieving couples in crisis?
Shan: My passion for helping high-achieving couples facing the brink of divorce or crisis stems from my own personal journey. Before becoming a couples therapist, I found myself in the trenches of my own relationship battle. The constant fights, defensive behaviors, misunderstandings — and the fear of never getting back the love we once had — sparked a deep desire to understand and mend the fractures in our connection. We did our own couples work, transformed our relationship and that lit the fire in me to help other couples who are stuck like we were.
Q. Can you explain the main communication method you teach to couples and how it can help them reconnect?
Shan: In therapy sessions, I use a communication tool called the Imago Dialogue. It’s completely different from normal conversation, where people generally don’t listen well and interrupt each other. In our sessions, the couple takes turns talking. One person talks and the other person learns how to really listen, so they start to properly understand each other and learn to have empathy for each other’s position. I work more like a coach in the session, even though I’m a therapist, and I coach you into a much deeper conversation than you could possibly have at home.
Q. What are some common signs that a couple is stuck in the Power Struggle stage?
Shan: The Power Struggle stage of relationship is when the initial positive and euphoric feelings of the Honeymoon Stage give way to bickering, frustration, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, disappointment, and disillusionment. The degree to which this happens is directly related to how much-unfinished business you still individually carry from childhood.
For example, you might have been neglected in some way, abandoned, or smothered — it’s varied. But if you’re in the Power Struggle, you most certainly have some kind of unfinished business from childhood. People often give the Power Struggle stage the wrong meaning. They think it means they’re not meant to be together. In reality, the moment you realise you’re in the Power Struggle is where the real work begins — your growth and healing.
Q. Could you share a success story of a couple who went through your program and successfully transformed their relationship?
Shan: Couples often come to therapy with me calling it their “last-chance saloon” before divorcing. One couple I worked with told me they would only come for one session because the wife was sure she wanted to end their marriage. Six months later they had completely turned their relationship around.
The key for them was the decision to lay down their weapons, cease defending themselves at all costs, and commit to being willing to listen to each other instead. When a couple starts to listen, it makes space for them both to start sharing how they feel from a place of vulnerability, not defence, and that’s when they start to connect. They need help doing this of course, which is where I come in.
Q. How do you address the unique challenges faced by neurotypical/neurodiverse couples in your coaching and therapy?
Shan: In neurotypical/neurodiverse couples, misunderstandings frequently arise from some big differences in communication styles, sensory sensitivities, manner of expressing feelings and social interactions. This causes conflicts over actions interpreted by one partner as rudeness, disinterest, or a lack of affection and love.
A neurotypical partner will often make assumptions or interpretations of their neurodiverse partner, based on how their world is. The way their neurodiverse partner sees and experiences the world is very different. In therapy, I help couples like this realise that, and start to improve how they understand and talk to one another. I work on making them more aware of their differences, such as communication styles and viewpoints, so they can really connect. It’s like we’re translating their unique languages to create a happier love story.
Q. In your experience, what is the number one reason relationships break down, and how can couples overcome it?
Shan: The number one reason relationships break down is because couples get into the habit of forgetting to appreciate each other. They become ungrateful and begin to solely focus on the negative aspects of one another and what is lacking in their partner. This starts to affect what we call ‘the space between’ them, which becomes entirely negative; filled with blame and criticism.
We have to learn to zoom out and be willing to look for what is positive and good in our partner. The second important factor is learning how to communicate in a way that our partner can actually hear us, rather than immediately raising their defences with our style of delivery, ie. anger and fury or total withdrawal.
Q. What sets your approach and “From Power Struggle to Peace” program apart from conventional couples therapy?
Shan: My goal for couples is for them to become their own couples therapist at home. I don’t want them to have to rely on me or only be working on their relationship for one hour per week — that simply will not save a marriage on the brink of divorce. So I teach them practical communication skills that they can start using straight away, and also how to access their own wisdom for solving issues.
In traditional couples therapy, the therapist often holds the wisdom, so then whenever the couple hits a new bump in the road they have to come back to get help. I want to empower you. Specifically, my 90 day program, ‘From Power Struggle to Peace’, helps couples stuck in the Power Struggle get to the next stage of relationship: ‘Peace’.
Q. How do you help couples navigate the ups and downs of life while maintaining a strong, intimate connection?
Shan: Life is always going to throw you curveballs. That we know for a fact! I have also observed in modern society that we seem to save only breadcrumbs of our energy for our primary relationship, spending it all on work, for example, or our business, or the children. I encourage couples to put their relationship above everything else. Make this the most important thing in your life. Prioritise it. Because a great relationship can seriously generate all the energy you need to power those other aspects of your life.
Q. Do you have any advice or tips for couples who want to prioritise their relationship above all else?
Shan: A great relationship requires daily work. Be intentional. Focus on being present with your partner instead of being half-there. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt when there is a disagreement; practise assuming the best of them. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and make tiny repairs in your relationship as soon as they need to be made. Own your part in the frustrations. Don’t give up — small consistent changes in behaviour will exponentially elevate your relationship over time.
To learn more about Shan Merchant and her services, visit her website or connect with her on LinkedIn, Instagram, or Facebook.
